RS Meeting August 12
By Adam Nilsen and Angela Shields
- We all want to feel felt.
- What we don’t talk out, we act out.
- When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear.
Communication Style
In order to communicate well, you need to know yourself and know your communication style. Analyze your style. Are you . . .
- A door-mat or overbearing?
- Rigid or flexible?
- A listener or talker?
- Independent or dependant?
- Warm-friendly or cold-distant?
- Loud-yelling or calm-quiet-silent?
Generally it is good to figure out which end of the spectrum you are and work on getting to the middle. It’s also ok to be at the other end of the spectrum from your partner if you complement one another. How do you learn what your style is? You can ask others to tell you. People may be born with a certain style but it can be changed.
“True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. … That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel” (Elder Packer, in Conference Report, Oct. 1986, 20; or Ensign, Nov. 1986, 17).
See also, In the Strength of the Lord by David A. Bednar.
Feelings and Emotional Health
Refer to the list below and circle the top 7 emotions that you have been feeling lately. Why are you feeling these emotions? And at what volume? How do you feel about these? To confront these feelings, look to roots to understand why you feel them.
Question: Can prayer help to overcome troubling emotions? Prayer can help, and depending on the severity of the issue, you also may need to take additional steps to overcome emotions. The Atonement can heal us OR it can strengthen us. There are many ways that it can help us.
Question: How can you better connect with coworkers that have different values and ideas? All people want to be felt. What value do you see in that person? Communicate that to them.
Question: My 3 year old has breakdowns, how can I communicate with her better? A technique to try is . . . appear stoic, hold up 2 fingers and tell her that she can do X or have time out. Give her time to make the choice and carry through. Ignore her if she is not quiet and make passive comments like, “I sure with so-and-so would get her shoes on so that we can go.” Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by Gotman is a good resource.
BUT -- The work “but” negates all that was said previously. Choose another word like “and.”
Validating is magical. It doesn’t mean agreeing with the person, it just means that you acknowledge that you have heard what they said. Keep in mind that what someone FEELS isn’t wrong AND it’s not necessarily reality.
Question: My husband always asks, “Are you mad at me?” What should I do? It’s important to remember that both may have a part in the issue and may need to make changes. She can ask, “Why do you ask that?”
5 Areas of Intimacy
- Emotional
- Intellectual
- Social
- Spiritual
- Sexual
Some types of relationships are heavier on certain areas and may have no intimacy in others. With spouses, it's not necessary to have intimacy in all five areas. Rather we need to find ways to meet each other in those areas. Some couples don't need to connect much spiritually or intellectually.
D&C 121:41-43
No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;
Question: When should I seek therapy?
There is a stigma against therapy that says something like, "getting therapy proves that I'm broken.". Well for those that view it this way I'D say, "we're all broken!!" We are all broken and the Lord allows that in us and our life experiences. He even provides an atonement that helps us bare our burdens in this broken/mortal state. So I recommend this approach to problems in life: when you identify a problem look at it and seek a solution. Involve the Lord in it and people you trust. Work hard on it and use the atonement to succor you and help you overcome it. If that does not solve it you can go a few routes: 1) Recognize it and live with it. 2) Seek outside help (therapy might be one of those helps). 3) Ignore it and make those around you miserable because we act out what we don't talk out (this is very common and the worst way to cope). I think dealing with our problems is the best way. Even if they can't be completely resolved they can almost always be reduced. So when we are feeling stuck therapy I highly recommend therapy! A few things therapy can really help with:
Depression
Anxiety
Worry
Communication
Overcoming abuse (if you've been abuse, you need therapy)
Feeling chronically out of control or unappreciated
Self esteem and self worth
Finding a good attitude and fulfillment in raising a family
Parenting skills (are you yelling all the time?)
Understanding our true value
Figuring out if we are being manipulated
If your a terrible listener
Addiction, addiction, addiction
Note: If you're looking for a therapist, Angela and Adam are willing to refer you to one that specializes in your needs. Please contact them at miss.angela.shields(at)gmail.com and adnilsen(at)gmail.com .
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